Becoming an equal partner is the man’s glass ceiling.
Most American households are dual-income earners, and even in these, men contribute less domestically than women. Gender plays an outsized role. But even in same-sex relationships, one partner seems entirely aloof of what the other does domestically. Culture seems to make this all difficult to overcome, so a manual helps.
That’s the spirit of the 2022 book Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home, written by Kate Mangino, who has a PhD in social development.
“It is harder and more time-consuming to be a good mother than to be a good father, and it is easier for a woman to fail in motherhood than for a man to fail in fatherhood,” Mangino writes. “We have set the caregiving bar too high for mothers and too low for fathers.”
Mangino makes great effort to speak to relationships with different genders, while reflecting that close to 90% of American households have those in a male and female roles. Those “male-coded” and “female-coded” dynamics are a theme. I found the book challenging at times — sometimes productively, and a few times because I just flatly disagreed with the author’s framing. But I respect and appreciate Mangino’s contribution. It helped me marriage, and will help others. I recommend it. Buy it here.
Below I share my notes for future reference.
My notes:
- Neo traditional roles: two income-earning but the female role leads domestically, with a standard of 65/35 percent workload. This is an improvement from the past but far from equity. Even then, the 65/35 is from chore diaries of physical tasks, not all the other emotional and cognitive work
- Routine vs intermittent tasks; inside vs outside: The firsts are female vs male coded
- Even urban men with less outside tasks do not pick up on average more inside chores from their female partners
- Femme’s unpaid to do list
- In 1970s researchers began separating physical and emotional labor… In the Cost of Living the writer Deborah Levy describes this as “an act of immense generosity to be the architect of everyone else’s well-being”
- Allison Daminger uses term “cognitive labor,” in four categories: anticipating needs, identifying options, making decisions and monitoring the outcomes
- Daminger: progress made in those two middle steps but in anticipating and evaluating women did more
- Author evaluating daughter taking music lessons and where, along with logistics
- “These steps are important because they describe duties that might not surface in a chore diary. I do a lot of anticipating when I am showering, commuting to work or sitting in a waiting room. But if I were recording my time in a chore diary, none of these activities would qualify as house work.”
- Men versus women: Difference between part time retail job and being the regional manager
- Says diaries show that men in 1965 did 15% of household work, 35% by 1985 but it hasn’t progressed — despite the optics
- Alyssa Schneebaum 2013 research: same sex couples typically end up with one partner doing more paid work and the other more unpaid work
- In 1989, researchers completed confident assessment that gender predicts household work load more than any other factor – income, education, religion, politics
- She has a gender checkup here, and I have it below
Gender Checkup
- How would you rate your overall awareness of gender socialization in your life? (This is to gauge how much gender is on your mind and whether you are “seeing” gender norms.)
- 1 = Novice. This is totally new for me.
- 2 = Beginner. I notice one or two things a week.
- 3 = Getting better. I notice about three to six things a week.
- 4 = Expert. I am already gender aware. I notice gender socialization all the time.
- Are you currently performing duties that were assigned to you because of your gender identity that you do not mind? These could be work-related or personal. (Sometimes people are happy to do a job, even if it is gendered, because they genuinely enjoy it. But it is still good to be aware of it. For example, I am in charge of all gift wrapping for my family, which I admit is a female-coded task. But I don’t care—I genuinely love wrapping a pretty gift.)
- Are you currently performing duties that were assigned to you because of your gender identity that you do mind, and you wish you could change? These could be work-related or personal.
- Is there any role you fill at work or at home that you believe is assigned to you specifically because of your gender identity? Is this something you are content with, or something you would like to change? (For example, a woman is asked to pass around a birthday card, or a man is asked to move heavy furniture.)
- Do your household chores fall along gendered lines? (Female Role = routine and inside. Male Role = intermittent and outside.)
- Are you content with the division of cognitive labor in your home? Do you talk with your partner about it or want a change? (This question focuses on all household chores and does not relate to tasks that were discussed in Chapter 1.)
- Is there something that you value greatly, perhaps because of your own gender socialization, but your partner does not? Is there any tension here? For example, one of you thinks taking the time to decorate for the holidays is important, and the other thinks it is a waste of time. Or, perhaps you disagree on the definition of clean.
- If you had fewer household responsibilities, would you (and do you want to) do more professionally? Would fewer household responsibilities/hours with kids mean you could get promoted, take on more responsibility, work different hours for higher wages, etc.? (Often, both people in the relationship will answer yes, and that is normal. But are you both giving up the same amount? Is it balanced? Or does one partner bear the majority of the burden?)
- Think about the kids in your life. Do you think you are role-modeling and/or reinforcing gender equality? Or are you perpetuating negative gender norms?
- Are there any small changes you can make to role model gender equality? (Consider the questions you ask, or the greetings you use. Do you often tell girls they are pretty and that you like their dress? Or do you ask girls what books they have read lately, or if they like to play any sports in school? Those questions send messages to kids about what society does and does not value.)
- (If you do not have kids in your home, stop here. If you do, please continue.) When it comes to kid-related activities, do you think you do more than your fair share, less than your fair share, or the right amount?
- Who is the cognitive laborer? Are you content with the amount of time your partner spends on childcare? Do you think your partner is content with the division of childcare? Do either of you want a change? Are either of you open to a change? (Remember the phases of cognitive labor when you answer this: anticipating, researching, decision-making, and monitoring.)
- If you had fewer child-rearing responsibilities, would you (and do you want to) do more professionally?
- Would fewer responsibilities/hours with kids mean you could get promoted, take on more responsibility, work different hours for higher wages, etc.? (Answering yes to this question does not mean you will act on it—it could be that your partner also feels as though fewer childcare hours would improve professional outcomes. This question is simply documenting your current perception. It helps when both partners discuss this with each other.)
Notes continue now:
- Gender socialization
- [[Warning, this is me talking: I just can’t decide if her examples are real or outdated such as when she writes on page 64: “When a mom is late to work because of the kids, everyone rolls their eyes. When a dad is late to work because of the kids, he is praised for being such a wonderful, involved father. A bunch of men are heading to the bar after work. They invite the new guy. He says “I should really go home and help my wife with the kids. This is met with gales of laughter.”
- Anja Boynton writes of the “noticer” in the home: fills the ice tray, stocking favorite snacks, sharpening her first grader’s pencils
- Author: “ being the Noticer is part of the female role’s duty. The noticer feels that this work is expected of them; and if this work goes undone, they will be judged. I realize that often the notice acts are done willingly and with love… But being the noticer does take time and energy, and requires both thoughtfulness, as well as active forethought”
- Christopher Carrington’s research on the “feeding work” in same sex couples: one knows the eating and dietary habits of the other. Splitting cooking and dishwashing is not fair because of cognitive load of cooking
- Another of the author’s stories is also fabricated from a “composite” same sex couple: female coded Frida did all this cleaning and made a tiramisu for the in laws traveling in but the male coded Miriam didn’t understand all the fuss and didn’t help. ..author doesn’t seem to say Frida never explained why this was important to her, or engage her partner’s challenge on whether it was overboard. No balance or rigor in these case studies.
- Allison Daminger: When our values don’t align with our actions, we resolve the discomfort by either changing our actions, changing our stated values, or reframing how we perceive the situation altogether.
- 6 gender reframing tactics author identifies:
- Earning more (though Joanna Syrda research shows women who earn more still do more household work)
- Personality/skills (author writes “ knowing that she is responsible for, and will be judged on, the state of her home, a woman cultivate a skill set to help her succeed”)
- Different priorities “ a quick note to mail role readers… Ask yourself what does your partner do to help maintain family harmony, communication and traditions?”
- She writes this: “This is easy for him to do because he isn’t held accountable for any of those to-do list items that are left undone….” Speaking then about her composite characters she writes “ Miriam thinks that the house is clean enough and figures they can all go out for dinner on Saturday night. Because she assumes the male role, Miriam does not feel responsible for the home. If the house was dirty or unkempt, she wouldn’t accept judgment and would likely dismiss criticism… Frida does not feel like her weekend work is a choice at all, and in her mind, the way she was socialized to behave, this must be done – not for the sake of clean sheets or fancy dessert, but because this is how love is shown” [[This case study was challenging to read in part because even in this fabricated composite version, the mother in law gives her daughter Miriam a hard time about not doing enough around the house, but Frida defends her. This seems like a communication obstacle.
- The bossy wife decoy : “happy wife, happy life” nagging bossy control freak
- Supervisor / employee frame
- Benevolent sexism (Peter Glick and Susan Fiske) complementary gender differentiation
- Research on couples that neared gender parity before kids lost it after kids — mothers doing more childcare and the same house work while men declined housework: Brigid Schulte
- “It is harder and more time-consuming to be a good mother than to be a good father, and it is easier for a woman to fail in motherhood than for a man to fail in fatherhood. We have set the caregiving bar too high for mothers and too low for fathers.”
Questions to Discuss Before the First Baby/Child
- Do you think that one of you is more naturally suited to being a parent? What leads you to that decision? Do you think there is a gender norm or assumption that lies at the root of your answer?
- Do either of you need additional parenting skills and/or knowledge before the baby comes? How can you address this need? (Consider books, therapy, talking to others, research, etc.)
- Do you anticipate one of you will be the “alpha” parent? Or do you want to try to be fifty-fifty co-parents to the extent possible?
- Your lives will change after the baby comes. What changes are you looking forward to?
- What change(s) make you nervous or anxious? Why? Is there anything your partner can do to help mitigate this stress or anxiety?
- List three things you’re willing to give up/cut back on/sacrifice to make more time for childcare and housework. (Things to consider: working fewer hours, hobbies, exercise, friends, sleep, TV, video games, etc.)
- List one thing you are not willing to give up — something that you really want to maintain if at all possible, perhaps to maintain emotional health and wellness.
- Name one baby-related chore you do not want your partner to do; something that (for whatever reason) you want to keep control of.
- Exhaustion is a common feeling for new parents. What self-care can each of you practice when the baby comes to make sure you’re taking care of yourself — and taking care of each other — mitigating that exhaustion?
- Are you planning for one of you to breastfeed? If so, what is the non-breastfeeding parent going to do during breastfeeding hours? What can the non-breastfeeding parent take on to balance out the caretaking load?
- Name one thing you would love to take off your baby to-do list, but feel like you would be judged if you did so. Discuss this with your partner. Is there a way for your partner to help you with this item, or can you tackle the judgment together so this list item can be eliminated?
- Are you comfortable asking your partner for help? Why or why not?
- If you ever feel like you are doing too much, how can you signal this feeling to your partner without putting them on the defensive?
- What are some hobbies you would love to eventually share with your child?
- What are some ways to integrate those things that bring you joy with parenting — so you can both embrace, enjoy a hobby, and spend time with your baby?
Notes continue here:
- Dad baby showers! No gender reveals and stop the pink / blue
- Breastfeeding, parental leave (women average more time than men)
- David Smith and Brad Johnson in “Good guys” introduced the idea of “leaving loudly” — men being upfront about their care duties with their friends
- “Maternal gate keeping”
- Time: work, chore, parenting, alone/friend, health, time together
- King of the castle (Ricky Ricardo ), to hands on husband (Phil Dunphy; better but not enough) to equal partner (today’s goal)
- “When my daughter was in daycare and I ran to pick her up at 5:01 PM I was met with cold eyes. Despite my eruption of apologies, those childcare workers did not have much sympathy for me. No one needed to say out loud ‘you are a bad mom because you don’t love your daughter enough to be on time.’ That was clearly communicated without words. However if my husband arrived for pick up at 5:01 PM he was met with smiles and praise.”
- Daniel Carlson: women say 29% is shared or male led; men say 65%
- Author interviewed 40 equal partner men: 40% suburban, 30% urban, 20% rural. All exposed to a different equal partnership, across ages and income and education. 25% had single moms, many worked in caregiving , 75% expressed feeling othered for some period of their lives (race or class), 50% had a strong negative male role model
- Breaking to equal partner is the man’s glass ceiling
- Advice for men: push back against gender norms, get up in the night, be emotional, create routines, spend more time
- Neo-traditional homes
- Embracing, accepting, coping or resentful of the female role
- Kate Manne: “lean down” (hiring nannie’s and cleaning people)
- Ellen Lamont: women want equal partners but in dating expect man to pay and initiate sex
- Communication before commitment
- One consequence of “an equal partnership might be that now we have to compromise on how things are done in the home” – laundry folded differently, groceries with different ingredients
- Teach boys to articulate feelings , encourage female friends, accept Mistakes, invite boys and girls to the birthday party
- Once a week “Noticing Time” to fix things
- Choose role models, and be a role model; identify allies and triggers